Reflection Without Regret...

Hey guys!

As you all know I live across the country from most of my family and some days it hits me harder than others. Now, I wouldn't call it homesickness or anything because I've been here 15 months and before that I was in Phoenix for years but I think it has to do with being SO far away!

Tonight's volcano of emotions was caused by a realization that my crazy, fun, loving and passionate for Jesus, Gramma is really slowing down and I'm not sure I'm okay with that.

I haven't lived in the same city as her for the last ten years, but our relationship has never suffered because of it. Actually when I first moved to Phoenix in 2008, I started a weekly phone call to Gram that always lasted a couple hours each. My phone calls with her are ALWAYS entertaining.. We talk about my adventures, our family, pop culture, quoting scripture, the words of nursery rhymes and most importantly we always talk about the desires of our hearts.

I am SO much like this Gramma that it's almost scary! I have her German nose for starters! :) Her hard headed nature and stubborness, her passion for children, her ability to talk to each person she meets and go home friends with them, her love for worship songs and singing in general, the desire for family and close emotional relationships....All of these things are in ME because of HER.. I'm pretty sure!

So knowing that I'm going home for Christmas and knowing that my Gram is 82 (i think), I decided that I would surprise her with tickets to go see The Nutcracker in Portland (She used to take me when I was young, so this was our "thing") I had asked my dad what he thought about her health and if she'd be able to do it.. Never thinking the answer would actually be no.. He said that even though I wanted to surprise her, I should really just ask Gram to see what she thought.
Tonight I called her and we talked about Portland and the Nutcracker.. She said that although it made her heart happy to know that I wanted to do this to her, she feels like it would be too much for her. The thought of getting ready, traveling the distance to the city and sitting through a production is too much for her these days.. This hit me HARD.

I didn't get upset over the fact that I'm missing the ballet.. I couldn't care less about that. Hello...I live in NYC, if I wanted to see a ballet..I could anytime I felt like it! I was upset because of the fact that this little afternoon would be too much for her.. I know I shouldn't be completely surprised, because she hasn't been in the best of health these last couple years (battling cancer and beating it!) but she's had complications the last two months and not able to do much depending on the day..

We decided that she really wants to go to the movies because she hasn't in a long time, so I said that would be our date.. I will take her to lunch and a movie and she will be absolutely tickled, and to tell you the truth...so will I!

It hurts my heart that I have no idea if this is the last time I will see her... BUT I know better than to count her out now.. She's still got her sass!! :)

All of this has me thinking about my decisions I've made the last few years. I've made the choice to move so far away, to only see most of my family once a year and I've accepted that relationships may change and I may miss things. What came into focus tonight was the fact that all of those things that I'm missing back home, they would still  be happening whether I were in the house next door, the street across town or 3,424 miles away.. We can't stop time and we can't make our selves crazy with the "what ifs" and "I wish" statements in our heads..Instead we need to make the most of what we choose.

If I'm going to be far away from my family to live in a new city for a few years, I'm going to LIVE! I'm going to travel to as many places as possible, experience as many new things as I can, and document them all for the ones who can't be with me..

We all know that we never DO know when the last time we see eachother will be. It doesn't matter our age, or our profession or where we live.. We all have those thoughts of regret every now and then, I wish I would have taken my Gramma to the Nutcracker last year when she could have made it. I still hope and pray everyday that my Gram will live to see my own babies some day, but nothing is guaranteed. So I will go and make the most of our lunch date, we'll laugh about old memories, we'll chat about our fears and goals for our lives, and we'll probably pray for the people sitting in the booth next to us and then break out into song during our entrees..

Life is about LIVING and life is about LOVE!!!

Please don't wait until next year, or next month or even tomorrow to tell the ones you love how AMAZING they are. How much they have impacted your life and how much you can't wait to share with them about your adventures!!

We only have one life my loves, go live it without regret!!

Thanks for listening..I needed this!

Until next time, be kind to each other!

Who are we living our life for??

Hi friends,

I know it's been wayyy too long since I've blogged and I should do a review of ALL the incredible things I've been doing the last few months but I have something else weighing on my heart and my mind tonight and I really just need a place to vent.. So I promise to catch you all up on the AMAZING life of The SoapNanny sometime soon, but tonight is a more personal note. 


I have a question...WHO do you life YOUR life for? Do you live the life you were taught was the thing you are supposed to do? Do you live the life that came the easiest without difficult obstacles? Well.. here's the life that I lead...

I wake up every morning and the first thing I do is thank my lord and savior that I woke up another day. Then I thank him for this life that I have the honor of living...
But right after I thank God, I make a promise to myself...EVERY. DAY. 
I promise myself that I will take this day and make it the most amazing day possible. If that means that I show more patience with the girls, or have a smile on my face for the westchester moms that don't show the same to me, or going to a soap opera fan event with my friends, OR that may simply include taking a two hour drive after work blasting my country music with the windows taking in the beautiful New York Suburb scenery just grateful for life! 

I try to live my life like we aren't guaranteed tomorrow....because we're not.

Now.. having said all that, there are A LOT of people that think the way I live my life is silly. I'm almost 28, not married, no kids, and haven't lived in the same city or state for more than a couple years my entire adult life... BUT GUESS WHAT?! 

Contrary to popular belief, we weren't all made the same. We don't have the same desires in our hearts, or abilities in our bodies. For instance... I LOVE HOT WEATHER!! (Which is partly why I loved Phoenix so much).. but a have a ton of friends that freak out when it gets warmer than 85 and could never handle it..

Well the same thing applies in my ability to live away from my family and childhood friends.. We aren't all made the same. Not all of us can live in the same city our entire lives without leaving.. (Note, I'm NOT bashing those of you who have never left...I'm just not made that way)

Some of you know that I didn't have the ideal childhood...I've experienced more pain than some people realize and don't need to know about, and I'm not going to explain further on that subject BUT just know that when I left Washington for the first time in 2008, I didn't know if I could do it...but I knew that I had to.

I had no idea what I would find in Phoenix, but guess what I realized...I had never TRULY had simple HAPPINESS until I left my hometown. I left that pain, I left the hurt, I left the bad reputations, I left the holes in my heart, I left the darkness...

I lived in Phoenix for almost three years and then moved home for what I thought was going to be a nanny position for my nephew (that ended up falling through but I was already back in washington) I tried SO HARD to find that happiness again and it just wasn't there. I ended up moving back to Phoenix a year to the DAY I had left! :)

Now, I feel like I need to explain my definition of Happiness.... My happy, The Summer Kay HAPPY...includes feeling the sunshine in your soul. Waking up with not only a smile on your face but a purpose of greatness in your heart. Being so completely excited to live your life that you make people roll their eyes at your exuberant attitude! Whether you are driving alone in your car or meeting new people in the supermarket, mall or baseball practice.. you SHINE with LOVE of your life! THAT my is Happy!

Please notice that all of this HAPPY is about YOU! It's about loving who YOU are.. It's not about Boyfriends, jobs, financial status, material things, but about YOU and the way you look at life. 

I know this blog is completely ALL over the place and thank you for reading even though it's a mess...but I really just needed to get these thoughts down. 

I was made to feel guilty about the way I live my life, tonight. Some of my family back home just doesn't understand why I'm so happy living in New York (or Phoenix) and not back home where they think I belong. Why don't I come visit more? Why do I have to live across the country? 

My answer: Because I CAN! I'm 27, not married, not kids, and don't need to take care of my parents yet...I have no responsibilities (accept my credit card debt, car payment, and other stuff).. I have no mortgage, no rent, no HOA to pay.. it's just ME. This is the time of my life to be SELFISH.. If I don't do it now, then it will never be done and then I wouldn't be living MY life to the fullest, right?!

Every heart has different desires... 
Do I want to get married? YES! In fact, I pretty much have the wedding planned (please insert groom)
Do I want to be a mom? Absolutely, with or without the husband..

Do I want to settle down and establish roots? the house, the dog, the white picket fence??? It's my biggest lifes DREAM to make that happen..and I believe that it will...when it's supposed to.

I spent a half hour today on the phone with my Dad, defending how I life my life, why I go on trips to Boston, Nashville, Pennsylvania, Jersey...What I spend my money on, Why I don't come visit more...and then it dawned on me.. WHY am I doing this? THIS is MY life! 

I love my Job... but it's a TOUGH job!
I work extremely hard, sometimes VERY long hours...
I deserve to go do fun things on my time off, and I will go do them. 

Despite how it may seem.. i DO enjoy going home to visit my friends and family and wish I could do it more.. but flying across the country for a weekend visit just isn't very practical very often! 
In fact when I found out yesterday that I am going to have a four day weekend next weekend, the FIRST thing I did was check the flight prices to see if I could make it work.. (If you don't know the 4th of July is THE BEST weekend to be in Longview, WA.) But it's just too expensive right now...
It was MUCH easier to do that when I lived in Phoenix and that will happen again soon. 
 
 So I guess I've said all that to say this... I love my family and friends with every bone in my body, BUT I love ME too. I love being able to have this time of my life to be on this grand adventure that I never pictured myself doing.. I mean I randomly went to Central Park and read my book under a tall shady tree last weekend (What kid from L-town, WA has the chance to do that?)... 

I will never apologize for who I am, or how I life my life. 

I love my God, I love my family and I love who I am becoming...

Please be proud of who you are and love the life that you are living.. we only get ONE shot at this.. I think we owe it to ourselves to LOVE the time we get on this earth!!!

Thanks for listening to my babbling... I feel better now!!

I better go to bed... The baby will wake up soon! (I'm working 48 extra hours this weekend!) :)

Until Next Time, 

Summer Kay!