Reflection Without Regret...

Hey guys!

As you all know I live across the country from most of my family and some days it hits me harder than others. Now, I wouldn't call it homesickness or anything because I've been here 15 months and before that I was in Phoenix for years but I think it has to do with being SO far away!

Tonight's volcano of emotions was caused by a realization that my crazy, fun, loving and passionate for Jesus, Gramma is really slowing down and I'm not sure I'm okay with that.

I haven't lived in the same city as her for the last ten years, but our relationship has never suffered because of it. Actually when I first moved to Phoenix in 2008, I started a weekly phone call to Gram that always lasted a couple hours each. My phone calls with her are ALWAYS entertaining.. We talk about my adventures, our family, pop culture, quoting scripture, the words of nursery rhymes and most importantly we always talk about the desires of our hearts.

I am SO much like this Gramma that it's almost scary! I have her German nose for starters! :) Her hard headed nature and stubborness, her passion for children, her ability to talk to each person she meets and go home friends with them, her love for worship songs and singing in general, the desire for family and close emotional relationships....All of these things are in ME because of HER.. I'm pretty sure!

So knowing that I'm going home for Christmas and knowing that my Gram is 82 (i think), I decided that I would surprise her with tickets to go see The Nutcracker in Portland (She used to take me when I was young, so this was our "thing") I had asked my dad what he thought about her health and if she'd be able to do it.. Never thinking the answer would actually be no.. He said that even though I wanted to surprise her, I should really just ask Gram to see what she thought.
Tonight I called her and we talked about Portland and the Nutcracker.. She said that although it made her heart happy to know that I wanted to do this to her, she feels like it would be too much for her. The thought of getting ready, traveling the distance to the city and sitting through a production is too much for her these days.. This hit me HARD.

I didn't get upset over the fact that I'm missing the ballet.. I couldn't care less about that. Hello...I live in NYC, if I wanted to see a ballet..I could anytime I felt like it! I was upset because of the fact that this little afternoon would be too much for her.. I know I shouldn't be completely surprised, because she hasn't been in the best of health these last couple years (battling cancer and beating it!) but she's had complications the last two months and not able to do much depending on the day..

We decided that she really wants to go to the movies because she hasn't in a long time, so I said that would be our date.. I will take her to lunch and a movie and she will be absolutely tickled, and to tell you the truth...so will I!

It hurts my heart that I have no idea if this is the last time I will see her... BUT I know better than to count her out now.. She's still got her sass!! :)

All of this has me thinking about my decisions I've made the last few years. I've made the choice to move so far away, to only see most of my family once a year and I've accepted that relationships may change and I may miss things. What came into focus tonight was the fact that all of those things that I'm missing back home, they would still  be happening whether I were in the house next door, the street across town or 3,424 miles away.. We can't stop time and we can't make our selves crazy with the "what ifs" and "I wish" statements in our heads..Instead we need to make the most of what we choose.

If I'm going to be far away from my family to live in a new city for a few years, I'm going to LIVE! I'm going to travel to as many places as possible, experience as many new things as I can, and document them all for the ones who can't be with me..

We all know that we never DO know when the last time we see eachother will be. It doesn't matter our age, or our profession or where we live.. We all have those thoughts of regret every now and then, I wish I would have taken my Gramma to the Nutcracker last year when she could have made it. I still hope and pray everyday that my Gram will live to see my own babies some day, but nothing is guaranteed. So I will go and make the most of our lunch date, we'll laugh about old memories, we'll chat about our fears and goals for our lives, and we'll probably pray for the people sitting in the booth next to us and then break out into song during our entrees..

Life is about LIVING and life is about LOVE!!!

Please don't wait until next year, or next month or even tomorrow to tell the ones you love how AMAZING they are. How much they have impacted your life and how much you can't wait to share with them about your adventures!!

We only have one life my loves, go live it without regret!!

Thanks for listening..I needed this!

Until next time, be kind to each other!